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i've been alright lately. I Guess. days blend together. i think i need to get better at talking to people but i'm too scared. i might go to therapy (not holding my breath) so i might get better but probably not. it's something at least. if it even ever happens. i'm simultaneously desperate for connection but highly highly paranoid and afraid of oversharing so i end up just staying as anonymous as possible and hardly talking to anyone online. which would be fine save for the fact that i have absolutely no life outside of the internet. at all. people in physical space are even scarier though. it's all such a pain. i'd say i wish i wasn't human but really i just wish i was a functional one. or some kind of emotionless robot or something. wouldn't that be nice. existing for existence's sake, usefulness, incapable of becoming melancholy about it all. i don't know. i hardly feel like a person most of the time anyways. it's like i'm a spectator of my life, living vicariously through myself. an impostor in my own skin. act natural. this is all there is, after all. this is all you've ever been and all you will ever be. i wonder if it's obvious that my reason for creating art is loneliness. i can't express myself very well properly, or i get too afraid, but i hope i'm able to convey how i feel to others with images. it's stupid and probably selfish but i'd like to be understood. i feel like an outsider looking in most of the time, in general. i guess an isolated homeschool upbringing will do that to you. god being a human being is such a pain in the ass isn't it. anyways i'm slowly emerging from my art block so that's nice. i feel like i always get art blocked in the earlier months of the year. some kind of curse... i think as much as i like the noises of rain not being able to go outside makes me gloomy. i already spend so much time indoors... i need an escape from my enclosure even if it is just the backyard. thinking about it i haven't ridden my bike in forever either. tires are a pain though. and i can just swing. won't get hit by a car i didn't hear while listening to music that way, anyways. i'm rambling on now. i haven't done much as of late but i don't do much Ever really. ahhh i should stop. 3AM despair is attacking me. well hopefully i will be able to update the site more. 4/28/24 3:26AM

got out of bed this morning to discover this slid under my bedroom door. opened to a random page and found someone left the reciept from 2012 3/10/24 2:22PM

substantive updates may take a while. should probably bite the bullet in regards to image hosting soon. i have been using tumblr as an image host thus far which i knew from the get-go was unsustainable but the CEO has been having a bit of a meltdown lately (a major understatement but i feel the need to summarize.) which makes me even more dubious of the future of the site. thus, the quicker i move all my existing images to a more stable host, the less images i have to move over, the less of a major pain in the ass it will be. so i feel it'd be in my best interest to get that over with before making more additions to the site. in more personal news, i played and beat Splatoon 3: Side Order. will not be spoiling anything in specific because i don't see why i would need to. in general, the gameplay was a lot of fun and it does have a lot of replay value, the music is very good as usual, however i thought the story was pretty underwhelming. i don't think i had my expectations too high. didn't hate it or anything but it was childish even by splatoon standards. it didn't really go over anything that hadn't already been established, as well as seemingly retconned dedf1sh's backstory making it much less interesting. i was more intrigued by little tidbits of dialogue about the past than any of the plot occuring in the present. seeing more of pearl and marina is always nice, but i'm a little confused as to why dedf1sh even needed to be there beyond fanservice. the protagonist being agent 8 already established a tie to the deepsea metro and the events of octo expansion anyways, no? i am pleasantly surprised by the consistent use of first-person they/them for a character in a first party nintendo game, though. hadn't been expecting that one. i feel a little bit like i'm being overly negative so i'll stress that i'm so critical because i love splatoon and i did in fact like the DLC broadly speaking even if i think it could've been better. 2/27/24 5:18PM

wow holy shit this page was too hard to read. hopefully it's better now. what the hell was i thinking lol... things have been alright-ish lately. having trouble eating. not drawing very often. could be worse all things considered. beat pokemon white a while ago. i've come to the conclusion i don't actually like the gameplay of pokemon games very much. i just don't enjoy grinding. well actually that's not even true i think i just don't like the way grinding feels in pokemon. and if i start using cheats to get past it well what else is there to do really. i get bored. been listening to the magnus archives again. it is one of those things i never bother trying to make fanart because i like it too much and i don't want to do do it dirty lol. also somewhat important to my personhood because a certain distortion made me realise things about myself a few years ago. doesn't this sort of thing happen to everybody though. sometimes i notice how little i even draw fanart at all these days. when i was a kid all i would draw was my OCs and then from around 12-17 it was nothing but fanart. and now it would seem we've come full circle. i think in reality though it was just that for most of my teens i was more interested in drawing things for the attention of others or to express my love for the things i like or be a part of a "fandom" and somewhere my priorities shifted and now i mostly draw things for myself. i think it's a good change. i was burning myself out for a while trying to post frequently and become popular. honestly i think i don't even want to be popular anymore. obviously i would like for people to enjoy my artwork, i'm still only human. everybody wants attention. but i think being legitimately popular would probably be exhausting lol. i'm paranoid enough as is!! i'm rambling... mostly i've just been focusing on the splatoon dlc will be coming out soon so i've at least got something to look forward to. and i've been doing online lessons that i do not hate. ironic that after a decade of failing miserably at paid online school programs the one that finally clicks is free. typical. 2/12/24 3:15PM

it was my birthday a few days ago. there is a feeling of strangeness that permeates everything because i did not think i would be alive this long but hopefully it will fade with time. things have been good lately. i had calamari and it was very very good. i even got to try octopus for the first time which is something i have wanted to do for a while. i figured it would be much different texturally than the calamari even though they were both fried and i was right. sort of like shrimp. it was good though. i was stupid and also ordered catfish not thinking about the fact that i'm Allergic to shellfish and just ate a shitload of squid and octopus and would thusly be too busy in stomach pain to eat anything else. which was fine because i only wanted that sweet sweet shellfish anyways. you might be wondering why i went out of my way to eat shellfish if i am allergic and that is because fried squid is the greatest food on planet earth and a tummy ache will not stop me. in the end the catfish was taken home and eaten the next day and it was terrible, actually. pretty much completely flavorless. but the calamari did kick ass though so who's to say whether the restaraunt was good or not. i've begun playing pokemon white as of late. i've never actually played any of the games save for shield and violet because we could not afford handhelds when i was a kid. but this just means i get to play all of them completely fresh as an adult. i'm on route 6 right now if my memory is correct. i tried playing white before but then i discovered cheats and went mad with power and then promptly got bored after the first gym so i'm doing it normal style this time around. the purrloin is only here because it knows Cut went to half price books yesterday and my jaw dropped upon spotting paprika on DVD and then it dropped even further upon noticing the 7.99 price tag. the dvds are usually kind of overpriced, and yet here is this film of all things at a reasonable price??? Mine Now. initially i had been going back and forth between a ten dollar still-shrinkwrapped dvd with four pokemon movies on it (4kids dub ofcourse) and a 14-dollar dvd of wolf children but in the end the choice was obvious. although now in retrospect i think i should have got that pokemon dvd because it was still sealed and not too much for what it was and my little sister probably would have appreciated it. oh well. that wolf children dvd had been there unbought for months so maybe i will get another chance. as for actual books i've acquired the first volume of baccano (heard of it before but never seen anything of it), the 10th volume of chainsaw man (was all they had and i like chainsaw man so. Mine Now) and Unofficial Hatsune Mix which had very white pages for being sort of old by now and yet there was some kind of dried yellow shit on the cover i had to clean off. who even knows. i've been thinking of trying to collect all 14 volumes of sayonara zetsubou-sensei that are available in english but i'd have to order them all individually online because there is no way i'm spending an exorbitant amount on somebody's listing of all of them. which is somewhat of a pain but whatever. ultimately this is a dream for the future anyway since i don't have the money for such endeavors. 1/11/24 9:57PM

readjusting to dusty ass wacom tablet 1/2/14 4:34AM

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